You think that you make decisions logically and thoughtfully, out of awareness to your needs and will? Think twice! This isn't always the case. Your decisions and choices are controlled by the messages you internalized, perception of reality you have developed, fears, expectations and fantasies. These all influence the way you react and behave in your relationships.
MEG
Meg and George moved in together about a week after they met and immediately began to talk about having a family and raising children. They were in heaven. Everything seemed perfect. They didn't use contraceptives.
The crisis started when Meg discovered she was pregnant. Suddenly, she backed off from her desire for a family. She felt she wasn't ready yet; that first she wanted to obtain a profession. She didn't understand why she'd been so hasty.
Explanation
As a child, Meg internalized the message that "a girl should marry young and have children". Without being aware, this message affected her "choice" of so quickly moving in with George and immediately thinking about a family.
SANDRA
Not a day goes by without Sandra arguing with Dave about straightening up the house. She reproaches him, saying that he never helps out, claiming that he's self-centered and inconsiderate. He tells her to get off his back and stop telling him what to do. They have the same fight every day, and it's beginning to ruin their relationship.
Explanation
Sandra is not aware that mimicking her mother, she's become a prisoner of her "choice" to maintain a clean home at all times. She's not able to change her behavior (which by now has become a pattern), even though it's sabotaging her relationship with Dave.
Why the "choices" you make are not conscious?
How is it that many of the "choices" you make are not conscious - and nevertheless you often believe they are?
The answer is simple: you are often not aware of the many factors affecting your "choices". You have grown up unconsciously internalizing messages and adopting perceptions and beliefs that drive your choices.
SALLY
Sally really wants to cultivate a permanent, secure relationship but for some reason, she always ends up with partners who abandon her. She doesn't understand how that keeps happening to her. Could it be that "all men are the same"?
Explanation
Sally grew up in a home in which her parents were always fighting. Her father constantly threatened to leave until one day he actually did. This situation created the belief in her mind that: "That's the way men are, they always leave". This belief drives her into relationships with men who always leave her:
* Sometimes she unconsciously "chooses" men who aren't free (married; workaholics; afraid of commitment). Through these "choices" she "protects" herself: she knows in advance that one day they'll leave.
* Sometimes she "chooses" to behave in ways that will cause her partners to leave (she accuses them of cheating; smothers them with her neediness; argues with them constantly).
As long as Sally will not become aware of her "choices", she is likely to sabotage her relationships time and again.
Just like Sally, so do Pablo's unconscious "choices" of behavior sabotage his relationship:
PABLO
Pablo was often sick and always expected Doreen to take care of him. When she didn't, he would protest angrily and demand more attention. The more time passed and the more often Pablo got sick, the more they argued.
Explanation
As a child, Pablo suffered from asthma, and each time he had an attack, his mother nursed him devotedly. Pablo learned that when he needs attention, the way to get it is to become sick. He is not aware of his own "choice" of behavior. When Doreen doesn't take care of him with the devotion he's grown accustomed to from his mother, he protests angrily. His behavior distances Doreen instead of bringing her closer.
Why is it important to develop Self-Awareness and become aware of your choices?
As long as you are not aware that your "choices" of reaction and behavior are controlled by a host of factors, you won't be able to make other choices. You then keep sabotaging your relationships time and again.
When you develop Self-Awareness and observe yourself, you can:
* Discover, acknowledge and understand the needs, desires, fears and messages that control your choices of reaction and behavior.
* Realize how these reactions and behaviors sabotage your relationships.
* Make the necessary changes and become able to develop a successful and satisfying intimate relationship.
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