Divorce rates are at their highest rates. They are higher than they ever used to be across the globe. The people of faith are just as affected by these statistics. I happen to do a lot of marriage counseling by virtue of the work I do with women. I hear the cries of pain from both sexes and my heart bleeds. We are people of faith. God is our Father. We are supposed to have the answers for successful marriages. People should see us and see marriage for what it should be-not perfect, but beautiful anyway, just like God intended. But this is far from reality.
Why are the statistics so bad, especially among people of faith? I came to the conclusion that a lot of young couples are walking on clouds when they are making the all important decision to get married. Even those who go for counseling are not really paying close attention to what is being said. Instead they fantasize. They imagine the world they are about to create for themselves and it is usually a perfectly created world that leaves no room for the reality of life and the things that come with it. I guess, they also believe that being people of faith, God would protect them. So they don't prepare themselves well enough. They don't understand that as beautiful as marriage can be, it comes with pressures, real pressures. Some of these pressures have signals that may already be lurking, while others just show up from the blues.
I am of the opinion that the format marriage counseling takes, of a 'counselor' talking to the 'counseled' should take a slightly different turn. I really think that counseling should help the intending couples come up with their own formula on how they would handle issues when they do arise, right there in counseling class- as tasks or case studies. They never seem to find the time to discuss even though they spend time together. So counseling should be a time when they are allowed to discuss the serious issues of marriage. A moment of true reflection on the journey they are about to embark. Then a counselor can talk them through their decisions. That way, they are able to build the required level of agreement before they set out. So when issues arise, they are not too strange, they have been discussed ahead of time.
All kinds of issues could arise in marriage, some serious and others trivia, but there are some I really believe should be discussed at length. However, it should not end in discussions. Talk is cheap. People should be held accountable for what they say. That is what courtship should be about- a time to hold people accountable for what they say. They are brought to the place of discussion, agreement and accountability. If there is a misalignment in the three, that is a signal that should not be ignored. The main issues I believe should be discussed are:
THE FOUNDATION MUST BE GOD'S WORD
Couples of faith take it for granted that they both have the same level of commitment to God's word as they make the decision to get married. But it is not always so. If it were, the divorce rates would not be so high. For many people, in their hearts, they are not as committed to the Word of God as they should be. They have boundaries. They will only go so far. So it should be discussed to determine that they both have the same level of commitment, then hold each other accountable. So if someone claims total commitment to God's word but does not see anything wrong with not going to church on a Sunday morning and would rather sleep. That is a signal that should not be ignored. This example is as simple as it can get, but it suffices to make the point. If such basic things as going to church on Sunday is optional, then surely, 'Husbands love your wives' may also be a problem. When the Bible says, 'Wives submit to your own husbands', does everybody understand? Can the woman live by it, when she feels good and when she does not? How committed is she to obeying that word?
It pays to make God's Word the foundation of any marriage. It is the most reliable rock to build on. When the storms come, it can hold up the marriage. It has answers to all issues. It is backed by power. It provides, protects, leads, corrects. It is an all-encompassing tool for success in life-marriage inclusive. It can be trusted at all times. It is God Himself. It should be the foundation on which every couple builds their family, not halfheartedly but wholeheartedly. It never fails.
FINANCES
Having discussed the foundation being the word of God, then intending couples can move to other issues. Another hot spot is money. Man meets woman, he likes her, talks to her and eventually they start dating. He works and she works, and they assume things will simply continue as they have been. But what do they really think about money? What if the woman believes, women should be home with the kids and the man was raised by a working Mum. What if the man's dream is to be an entrepreneur and all the woman understands is paid employment? What if the woman earns more? What if the woman is a shopaholic and the man is a trained accountant-every purchase must be justified. What if the woman thinks credit purchases are fine and the man never buys on credit? What will be the work pattern for both man and woman? Woman will work part-time, man full-time. Or the other way round. The list could go on and on. That is why they must be discussed, so they understand each other better. Even if they disagree, they could arrive at some workable compromise that would make things work. But it is better to come up with these before they actually become trouble spots. That way, they are several steps ahead of the trauma that leads to divorce.
CHILDREN
It is expected that when a couple gets married children are a part of the deal. In some parts of the world, like Nigeria where I come from, that is given. But what does the couple really want? It should be discussed. Kids raised in large families tend to want fewer kids, while kids who were raised alone want many children? What if a man and woman come from the two scenarios- the man wants one daughter and the woman want two sons and a daughter. It should be discussed. It would be folly to assume all parties want the same thing. What if they don't come on time? What if they don't come at all? Is adoption and option? What of the issue of discipline, what is acceptable to both parties. Will they use the rod, or will just talk to the child. Who is the disciplinarian? Sometimes the woman is better at it than the man. Do you want outsiders involved in the discipline of the children? What kind of parenting style do they want to adopt? It is always better to talk about these things and agree before the children actually arrive so that the man and woman have one voice as they raise them. Or else, it has the potential to destroy a family.
At the end of the day, children come from God. They are a blessing from Him. They should not become the reason a family falls apart.
EXTENDED FAMILY
Family is a very touchy issue. Some people come from very close-knit families while others don't. Some people come from large families while others come from small ones. In some families, everything is discussed while in others, everybody minds their business. In Africa, the equation is longer. Some families are polygamous while others are monogamous. So couples will view extended family from different lenses. That is why this issue must be discussed. The extent to which they would want their family members to be involved in their lives is very important.
In some traditions, when a woman has a baby, her mother comes to nurse her through the first few months. While in others, her mother-in-law is the nurse. Where the couple come from the two backgrounds, who does the nursing runs? Very tricky. It should be discussed. In some traditions, once a girl gets married, she takes one of her younger siblings and takes complete responsibility. There are several pictures to paint on this issue of extended family. It is too dicey to be left not discussed. It should be extensively discussed especially among Africans. This is one issue that causes a lot of problems in marriage because family is important in the African setting. While an American mother will not interfere in her son's marital affairs, a Nigerian mother wants to be consulted in every decision. Discussing the matter based on each person's experience will help in the long run.
SEXUAL BEHAVIOR
This article is targeted at people of faith who should not be sexually active before marriage. Sex ought not to be in the picture yet. But that does not mean it should not be discussed. God created sex for marriage, not before. That should be a point of agreement for couples intending to get married. So that is settled, but what happens after? Are there things to look forward to? Most definitely. They should be discussed. Since sex is of God, then He must have something to say about it. Couples should make the effort to search out these things and discuss them. When the Bible says, the wife's body does not belong to her, what does that mean? When the Bible says the marriage bed is undefiled, what does that mean? Does God allow romance? How does the man perceive sex? How does the woman perceive sex? Where is that in scripture? What does He permit? The list of questions goes on and on. Each of them should be discussed between the couples. They should read books that address these issues and then make decisions based on adequate information. Leaving things to chance is very risky. It puts too much pressure on the couple. They could end up sexually dissatisfied, simply because it was not discussed ahead of time. That would be a perfect example of people perishing for lack of knowledge.
PROSPERITY
Someone may wonder what this has to do with marriage. A lot more than you imagine. Most couples are not very prosperous at the time they get married. They are usually young, somewhere in their early or mid twenties, sometimes early thirties-most couples. Usually, they are starting out in life together. Couples from wealthy families start out with a little more than others. However, they start out with a lot of dreams concerning their prosperity. As they begin to grow in prosperity, people change. A man could tolerate a woman dressing in a particular manner at the beginning, but as he begins to prosper, he expects more. The woman on the other hand does not understand why her husband is making a fuss and complains that her husband has changed. He has not, it was just never discussed. A man may prefer his wife cooks because he cannot afford a cook. But the minute he can, he starts to complain every time she enters the kitchen. A man may prefer freshly cooked meals but does not complain when he cannot afford them. The same man will raise the roof if served a warmed meal from yesterday, once he can afford it. Things need not be so. All these things can be brought to the fore for discussion. 'Honey, I really prefer freshly cooked food. I don't like vegetables cooked from yesterday. I will eat it now, because I know we can't really afford fresh veggies every day, but the minute we can I'd love that to change'. 'Darling, I know we can't afford a maid now, but I will need one as soon as we can'. ' Babe, you know I love diamonds. I look forward to when I can own lots of them'. Discussing it prepares both parties for their various idiosyncrasies.
It is also necessary to agree on controls. A man gets married when he does not own a car. But he has always loved state-of-the-art cars. Then he begins to own cars and every year he buys a new car. His parking lot is full of cars he cannot drive. Some people may think of this as excessive. So for controls, a couple could agree not to own more than two at a time. Not more than a wardrobe of shoes for the woman. Not more than a wardrobe of clothes for the children, simply for controls. It is worth discussing. It brings everything into proper perspective.
In my experience with couples and marriage, I believe these are the core issues that must be discussed before a man and woman get married. It does not mean there are no others but these are key to every couple that wants success in marriage. Extensive communication should start before the marriage not after. The idea is to talk through potential trouble spots and agree on the way to manage them when they arise because, more often than not, they do.
However, they way they are managed depends, to a large extent, on how prepared a couple is for them. Discussing these issues also throws up signals that become pointers to whether the couple should be married or not in the first place. Sometimes discussing them could actually make a couple decide to part ways. This would be preferable to getting married and then divorced.
I strongly believe in dialogue being the way to a happy married life. If intending couples would just take the time to talk things through before they say 'I do', there would be far less scary marriage statistics than there are, especially in the community of faith. It paves the way for good communication even after they are married. Call it what you like-communication, dialogue, talking, let's just do it.
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