"Sellout!... that was the one that hurt the worst," said Tanya, a 32 year-old black woman from Bowie, Maryland who dates interracially. She's dealt with her fair share of hushed name-calling and bitter looks for years. Recalling a situation that occurred a few months ago when she went out with a white guy and walked past a group of black men, one decided to shout out his personal opinion much to her dismay.
"I can usually deal with the overt, and downright ignorant, stuff like that though," she said confidently. "It's actually the criticism that comes from my inner circle that makes me the most uncomfortable. You'd think they would be the most supportive but sometimes they can tear you down the most."
In fact, it is much tougher when your own family and friends don't support your decision to date outside of your own race. Although interracial dating is almost commonplace in the world we now live in there are still a lot of people who don't like the idea and will be very vocal about it. Dealing with the criticism requires different tactics depending on the source of the tension.
When dealing with strangers that have a problem with interracial dating you have a few options. You can, of course, choose to completely ignore their criticism no matter how outward it is - if you're the kind of person that doesn't get riled up easily. It really is true that it makes people even angrier when they're trying to get your goad and you don't acknowledge it. They end up looking rather stupid and you walk away feeling good about not stooping to their level. However, not everyone has that kind of personality. If you feel absolutely compelled to address a stranger's criticism it's best to use tact, even if they're not showing you much in return, but not to back down. Who knows, you might just make a new friend in the process of confronting someone who's merely having a bad day and deciding to vent by lashing out at you. That's probably a long-shot though! What's more likely to happen is a volley of choice words with no real victor in the end.
If you're really interested in trying to learn about the motives of a naysayer and possibly educate them about yours then you have to first get them to ease off of their defensive posture. Nothing does this better than a simple invitation to talk. Invite them to have a conversation with you about what's prompting their negativity so that you can better understand where they're coming from. And actively listen. Don't just pretend to hear them out. Really pay attention to why they have a problem with you dating outside of your race. And there's one tried and true way to de-escalate a conversation every time. Repeat what you think you hear the other party saying and ask them if you're capturing their thoughts correctly. That works every time to break them out of a monologue and to draw them into a dialogue instead. People's feelings are what they are and you can't change them for the most part. However, appealing to them personally will shake them up and they may just forget about the categorical box that they'd drawn around you in their heads and hear what you have to say. Really, that's all you should be looking to achieve in a situation like this.
When you invite someone to enter into a dialogue it requires them to put some thought into formulating their arguments and that's where the "art of the possible" comes into play. Think of it as a civilized duel. Asking them questions as opposed to making blanket statements to defend your own position will do wonders and as you're modeling that behavior they may subconsciously mirror it themselves. You will probably not gain a convert out of them. Chances are that they won't walk away from the conversation agreeing with your decision to be a member of the interracial dating community but you may have succeeded in convincing them that you are an individual with your own unique motives and experiences. And coming to that realization may make them think twice about branding every interracial dater they see with the same moniker and assumptions.
Now, honestly, that tract won't work with those that know you intimately. You can't catch them off-guard as easily by asking them to talk about their issues openly because, frankly speaking, they know you too well. You'll have to take a different approach with your family and friends and it starts by being forthright and letting them know that your decision doesn't, or shouldn't, have an impact on them. Don't take the "it's my life" or "mind your business" mentality though. That will do nothing but breed discontent and keep the criticism coming. You have to still demonstrate a genuine interest in understanding their point of view while not relinquishing your own.
When you're dealing with folks that you're close to you have to frame your discussion around the U.S. Constitution. Yes, you read that correctly. Your right to pursue happiness should be the anchor that secures your reasoning. They will probably attempt to get you into a debate about the problem of cultural differences, why your concept of attractive qualities is so skewed, socioeconomic bantering or the omnipotent argument about the need for loyalty to ones own people. Your response should be simply, "this makes me happy." Happiness is one of the rare things in life that just can't be influenced a great deal by external factors. It's truly a state of mind and that fact neutralizes all of the arguments for adhering to a standard when it comes to matters of the heart.
"You need a black man."
"No, I need to be happy."
"It's not right for you to disgrace your own people like this."
"It's not right for people to try to determine what makes me happy."
"You're only with him because you think he'll elevate your social status."
"I'm with him because he makes me feel happy."
See how this works? It may seem trivial, but happiness is the most powerful weapon you have when trying to quell criticism from your friends and family because, eventually, they will have to back off of their arguments... or admit that they just don't want to see you happy. And that's a whole different kind of discussion that has nothing to do with interracial dating!
Hopefully, these techniques will help interracial daters communicate more effectively with non-supporters in ways that re-focus their negative energies, shift their narrow perspectives and appeal to their most human instincts. Regardless of what others say, as long as you're comfortable with your decisions and can rationalize them it doesn't matter if others aren't or can't do the same.
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