Couples often asked for specific exercises they can use when they've grown apart. They are so busy with their daily routines they don't have time to share, to really be together. Even doing things like going to the movies or out with friends doesn't give them a renewed sense of each other, of knowing and loving each other. Minor annoyances turn into arguments or get swept under the rug. Time for themselves as former friends and lovers gets pushed to the end of the to-list that, of course, never has an end.
So, here's the ITS exercise. It got created on the spot many years ago. It was not a pre-planned exercise. It just happened, and as you'll see, the name came about in a curious way.
After 13 years of marriage, Jacob and Eliza have become compatible housemates and not so compatible co-parents to their three sons. They both work; they have separate interests which give them pleasure. They go out together as a family; they go out with other couples. They each make time for their own friends.
What, you may ask, is the problem? They rarely go out together - just the two of them. And when they do, as Eliza says, "We usually talk about the kids, work, and politics; nothing personal."
On the surface it looks like Jacob and Eliza have a relatively good marriage. The only real problem, as Eliza implies, is they've grown distant. They don't talk about anything personal or loving. They don't talk about their wishes or fears for the future, their dreams, or their love and affection. Their unresolved arguments leave bitterness; their unexpressed anger builds up. Without the loving conversations, there is no balance for the negative feelings - and that can erode a marriage.
One day I designed an exercise to help them re-connect in a way they could safely express their feelings - the positive as well as the negative ones.
"Sit together on a sofa or bed, with both of you facing the same direction. That means one of you is facing the other's back. Let's say that you, Jacob, are "it" first. Eliza, you will sit with your arms around Jacob. Jacob, for three minutes, you get to talk; you can say anything you want. Eliza you can't respond; you just hold him.
"Since she can't see your face, Jacob, and she can't say anything, you can tell her anything you want. It might be about something she did that angered or hurt your feelings; it might be a funny story from the day that you haven't had time to tell her yet. Or, you could just sit quietly and feel her arms around you. You can use those three minutes any way you want. You have a captive audience who won't walk away and can't talk back."
I continue, "When the time is up, neither of you are to talk about it. On another day, switch. So now, Eliza, Jacob holds you while you use your three minutes any way you want. Make sure each of you has at least one turn; if you both want a second (or third) round, go for it. But remember, no more than 3 minutes. And no matter what the other say, you can't talk about it afterwards."
The following week, Jacob and Eliza come in the office saying, "We did our IT'S. I have no idea what they are talking about. They explain. "We named the exercise it's because we were asking who wants to be 'it" tonight."
They then describe how it felt doing the exercise. Jacob says, "We flipped a coin for who was to go first. I won. It was amazing. I was anxious. So, to get started, I talked about how good it felt having her arms around me. We seldom do that anymore. That led to my telling her I'm angry when I come home and she's busy with dinner, the kids, the phone (which never stops); she can't find time to greet me. I anticipated she would defend herself, but she was silent. That reminded me how I felt when I was little and came home from school. Mom was never there. It's the same loneliness I feel with Eliza. I had never made that connection before. I shared all this with her."
He grins. "It's been great since then because Lizzy has called out a loving hello to me each night when I come home, even if she's busy with something else. But the really best part was how lovely it was to have her hold me - with nothing expected from me in return. I don't know what it means, but to receive without having to give anything first was really, uh, well... wonderful is too weak a word for something so special."
Eliza is smiling. "What he was asking for was not so difficult, as long as he respected I might not always be able to be gracious with my' hello.' I loved the exercise, too, but for a totally different reason. Despite what he thinks, I spend so much time thinking about how to please him, how to say something that won't annoy him. But when I was IT, and he was holding me, I could say anything I wanted without worrying about his reaction. I couldn't see him, so that really freed me. I'm afraid for me, the IT'S didn't offer any new insights. What was best, though, was I had his undivided attention. Usually, I tell him things while he's reading or playing the computer or watching TV. He never just sits and listens to me. When I was IT, it didn't matter what I said; I knew he was listening. That was special."
They look at each other, sharing a gentle smile. Eliza says, "We love being both the holder and the holdee."
Jacob adds, "We want to keep doing our ITS. Hope you don't mind, Karen."
Thank you Eliza and Jacob for naming this exercise that has given such pleasure and satisfaction to so many couples over the past few decades.
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