You have probably heard a friend of yours carrying a monologue about her unsuccessful attempts at relationships. It might well be that few thoughts run through your mind as well, as you contemplate what stands in your way form developing a successful intimacy.
Such a monologue and/or thoughts often take the following form:
"I thought that developing a new relationship would help me escape my old failures. But it suddenly occurs to me that it just isn't so. That I will never be able to build a truly healthy intimate relationship. I will never be able to be totally free to express myself and be assertive. Why not? Because I don't really know, anymore, what I want. I am so used to do what others want me to do, to behave the way others expect me to behave, that I don't trust myself anymore to become able to change that. And I say this all with a lot of sorrow and sadness, because I don't love myself the way I am, but I know I don't have the inner strength it takes to change it.
When it comes to men I know I am too dependent on them; too needy. I need their love and I need their company. I can't do without it, without them. I can't be alone. I just can't. I know this has driven me to many unhealthy relationships and to going out with many abusive men who thought they can control me - and they did! - but still, I feel powerless to do anything about it.
My therapist tells me time and again that I should stop being a victim. That I should respect myself more. That I shouldn't "love too much". But that's the way I am: loving, caring, and giving 100% of myself. This is how I have been all my life, and this is how I will be forever. I just don't know any other way.
For sure I want my partner to be like me - caring and loving. For sure I dream about having a relationship of mutual give and take. For sure I wish I'd had someone to lean on. Doesn't anybody want it?
I know my therapist is right. I know I need to change my attitudes, expectations and fantasies. I know I need to change my behavior with my partners- to be more assertive, more tuned in to what is really important to me, to be able to say "no" to whatever they want of me and of the relationship. But again, I just don't know how to change. I see myself as a loving and caring person, and I just don't want to perceive myself differently.
Am I hurt often? Certainly! Do I feel rejected often? Sure I do! Sometimes at night, alone in bed, I tell myself "just change, just try to be different, just listen to your therapist and practice what she tells you". But I just can't bring myself to doing so. What am I afraid of? What do I think might happen if I'll try? I don't know. I just feel I am stuck being who I am and I can't get up the courage to change. Who will I be if I change? Not knowing scares the hell out of me!
So I keep plunging my way as I've been doing for who-knows-how-long. And I keep hoping that somehow, some day, things will turn out for the better.
Will they?"
This article is brought to you by MATCH.
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