Partner Support - How Not to Fight

How do I minimize or eliminate arguments with my partner? What do I do when they are being stubborn or difficult?

First Sign of Trouble

Well the first thing you do when a discussion starts to not go your way, is to take an emotional time-out. Think to yourself what really matters to you and what doesn't. Then assess exactly what it is you are feeling, so you can put those feelings into words. You must think about what you are about to say, and the potential consequences those words may have with your partner.

After your time-out and short silent-analysis, keep in mind that your entire life is full of the choices you have made, and that you have the choice to not let what anyone says upset you. Your point in the discussion may be very important to you, but if you let what your partner says get to you during the discussion, the chemicals released by your brain as a reaction to those negative emotions, will cloud your judgment and you will not get the desired results you are looking for.

Better Insight

Next, try to see where your partner is coming from and if you can understand their point of view. How they got to their conclusions can give you great insight! Most of us have no idea what our partners are really thinking, we only see what they display outwardly, so we must clarify, clarify, clarify. You do this by asking questions that don't sound like an attack. Try open-ended questions like,

"I may have misunderstood. When you use the words '___', what meaning do you attach to them?" "How does (this or that) make you feel?" "How can I help you better understand me, so we don't yell?"

You see, most of us come from a very unique perspective and only really understand ourselves. But with clear communication, we can better understand where the ones we love are coming from. There are always reasons behind what upsets us. Most of the time we become upset because we are focusing on ourselves and not the other person. We all have needs, so if we approach a concern from a different angle than we usually do, we may just be able to talk out our disagreements and other conflicts, instead of fight about them.

Problem Perspective

When addressing a problem in the first place, it is best to come from the point of view of, "How can I help you with getting your needs met, while meeting mine at the same time?" The cool thing about relationships is that when there is love, we actually WANT to help the other person, and they will want to help us. So don't be afraid to ask the important questions. And don't be offended by troubling questions asked of you. If things do go wrong, there is nothing wrong with taking time-outs to think or calm down before continuing the problem solving process.

In October of 2007, 'mamasue' responded to a similar question at askville.amazon.com: "I've been married 32 years and we don't argue a lot because a long time ago I realized that it takes too much energy and it's so negative. Arguing is not a good thing, it picks a part a relationship and it keeps each other's defenses up continually. Remember, spouses are supposed to be a support system for each other."

Keep in mind that our needs are our own responsibility for the most part, and not our partner's fault if they don't get met. Though some needs (such as romance) do take a group effort, and must always be worked on together with our partner.

Handy Tools

Also, try coming to the discussion with notes on topics you would like to discuss, questions you would like to ask, problems you may have, and the associated feelings involved. Without a list, it is too easy to get sidetracked, and forget the real reason for the discussion in the first place. It is also okay to have a time limit on your problem solving discussions, so neither one of you gets burnt out or hurt as much by the subject matter.

So in conclusion, to get your desired results, you must be considerate by respecting your partner's time and frame of mind. You do this by asking your partner if there is a specific time in their calendar, to discuss certain issues you that you'd like to address or solve at some later time (when neither of you are angry.) You may also need to establish agreed upon ground rules for your discussion, if none currently exist. Do not be afraid to take time-outs and, allow your partner to do the same. Clarify and ask questions. And last but not least, always remember to come from a place of love and understanding. Without love and an open mind, fights tend to happen.

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