I receive a fair amount of emails from men and women, some of which suggest that I saved their marriages. I am grateful for the opportunity to help couples stay together. I'm a huge supporter of marriage, and I recognize how much work is required to maintain a good one.
My marriage is in its fourth year and I have used all the same suggestions I offer in my articles and on my website to make it the best marriage possible. Considering that I was single for twenty-five years, and had horrific relationships with women during that time, I consider my successful marriage significant. I'm not a particularly exceptional guy, but I pay close attention to my behavior with my wife.
In the hope that my suggestions will be utilized by women, I offer them what I know works in terms of finding an appropriate partner. It's a small amount of work compared to getting involved in a new relationship every few months. Good marriages are entirely dependent on finding the right man who can help build one.
I resent the ubiquitous articles that purport to teach women various tricks to get men to fall in love with them, propose to them, appeal to them, etc. There are no tricks required to have a man fall in love with you, and the notion of tricking men into anything suggests that relationships are shallow pools, and that men are easily manipulated. Neither is true.
The fallacy of tricking a man into a relationship is that once you've tricked him into one, what other tricks will you need to use to keep him? Dishonesty is a part of everyone's daily life. Politicians lie to us, businesses lie to us, and advertising lies to us, and on and on. Do we really need suggestions on how to lie to get what we want in relationships?
These are cheap tricks, and like all cheap tricks, the reality is quickly discovered. Instead of reading about how to trick men into anything, I suggest that women think in terms of how to find the right guy by doing some simple homework. It doesn't take any more time than learning deceitful tricks, and it's guaranteed to be more helpful.
Asking men the right questions, upfront, is of major importance. There are no tricks involved in asking men the following:
1. What did you learn from your last failed relationship? The answer, nothing, should get you out of your chair and out of the café immediately. A man who is unwilling to assume responsibility for his part in a failed relationship, won't assume any in yours either. No sense of personal responsibility is a deal killer.
2. Do you have any men friends? A man who has no men friends likely has trust issues with men. He may also have trust issues with women. If you become involved with a lone wolf, you will be forced to assume responsibility for your relationship's entire social world. That's a burden no woman should have to carry.
3. Have you done any type of emotional work? Has he read any books, been to any workshops, done any individual or group therapy, been in a men's group, or been involved in any activity that relates to emotional health? A no answer should discourage you from pursuing this guy.
Just asking these three questions puts you way ahead of women who think finding the right guy is all about the numbers, and that dating lots of men is the solution. It's not, and frankly, it's an enormous waste of time and energy. The notion of having to kiss a lot of frogs to find the man of your dreams is misguided.
If you think that one or two out of three is okay, think again. Three out of three is okay, and nothing less, unless you want to be out on the dating scene again in a few months looking for Mr. Right.
A good marriage is only possible with the right guy. Nothing less will work. Tall and handsome are wonderful qualities, but they won't make a relationship work. A rich man doesn't necessarily have any more relationship skills than a man who isn't. Brilliant men don't necessarily have skills either.
Don't sell yourself short. You don't have to settle, ever. You're better off alone than with the wrong guy, and more important, if you're with the wrong guy, you'll never meet the right one.
This article is brought to you by Relationships Advice Blog.
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